It seems as we age we spend more time in a reflective mode, I know I certainly do. While in my 30s and 40s I never seriously looked back with envy for my youthful days. I still viewed life as an endless party with infinite possibilities. Enter the loss of my father and the introduction into my 50s. Hello…..
I now find myself thinking about mortality and pondering what I have accomplished with the time I have had alloted here on earth. The first year or so into this new decade was spent in a struggle to come to grips with loss. The loss of a beloved parent, youth, dreams. It was as if my own mortality came knocking in the middle of the night catching me completely naked. For one who had dwelt in the land of dreams with only one foot on the earth and that rather shakily, this was one hard wake up call. The angst I experienced in my teen years was a shallow comparison of the emotional ride of that first year. At one point depression threatened to overcome my very existence.
However, one of the beauties of the human spirit is the ability to create a new pattern from the various bits and bobs we have to work with in our lives. That first year, although felt at the time as a walk through hell, on reflection was growth. Painful growth, no doubt, brought about by deep loss. Yet on the other side, I have found a peace and contentment whose roots are embedded in the core of my being. Interestingly this new growth and evolution is a return to my beginnings, the person I was from my earliest memories of being. I find myself engaged in the journey of retreating back where I began, to those early memories. My senses are reawakening to the power of those early years, I can vividly recall smells, tastes, and sounds which once again fill me with the wonder of a small child.
My life has exploded once again with possibilities. Perhaps with a lens adjusted to a lower naive setting and bit less of the rose color, but wonder filled nonetheless. And that is all I really desire; the ability to hold on to that sense of wonder and spend my days engaged in the wonder filled act of daily living!